I’ve got bad habits.
I don’t always listen to my voice of reason; even when I know it’s right. I turn off my phone because I’d rather not say I’m not okay, than explain why.
Sometimes I fake my smile so no one will really look at me because a smile is enough these days. If you smile you can get away with almost anything.
I stay up late just to hear the silence of the night and once the birds start to chirp – that’s when I finally close my eyes.
I drink a little more than I should – even on my good days. I don’t know what that says but I guess even when it’s good – something still isn’t okay.
I overthink about everything – the people I’ve known, the places I’ve been.
I still think about that that I regret letting in.
It was then – way back but yet I can still see it all clearly.
I struggle with letting go of the things that once meant something to me.
I say I don’t care – even when it’s all that matters. I cry for no reason and my head goes down when I pass strangers. I don’t like the sun – because somehow I feel exposed. So when the dark starts to hover, that’s when my shadow shows – and like that’s not bad enough – somehow it gets worse because even though I know we’re not the same – I compare myself to the other girl – I should never. I know. Never, ever, ever. I guess it just stuck to me since everyone else thought comparisons matter but like I said – I’ve got bad habits. Even though I know better – I don’t really listen.
Maybe it needs time – so, I keep thinking but time doesn’t really mean much if you can’t feel it.
– Joy Johane
Words of a lost one.