It’s surreal. The end of the year is inching closer and my mind keeps trickling back to when it started. I remember faces and places. I remember conversations and scents. Moments that I wished would pass and somehow, still haven’t. It’s been a rough road, riddled with sharp turns and potholes but hey – here we are.
There are days where I gaze at the ceiling; trying to make sense of my existence. My heart feels heavy and I want to scream but I don’t know how to. I can’t. It’s a battle – each and every day. Trying to stay afloat when the current is too harsh and unforgiving. I feel like letting go sometimes. I feel like letting the current swallow me up and drag me under into the unknown. Maybe this feeling and this void will disappear along with me. Maybe then things will be okay.
Then I come up to the surface – gasping for air,reaching for myself. I deserve more than this; I deserve much more. I toss and turn and try to keep my head above the dark waters. I want to see what’s out there – I want to feel it and know it. I want happiness. I deserve that much. We all do. So, I will fight the current. I will storm through with what little I have left within me and I will win.
I’m dedicating the coming year to myself. To my dreams and to my every desire. I owe myself my kindness and my love. I’ve neglected the person I am and who I want to be. I’ve forgotten myself and in doing so I’ve hurt me – I’ve hurt me more than anyone else ever has. Today – I say no more. No more to depression and self pity. No more to self hatred and sadness. No more to negativity and self doubt. No more.
It’s time that we found our smiles again. It’s time that we found us.
It’s time that we learned to love, again.
To love who we are and who we want.